the willpower to change

Friday, July 07, 2017

Disclaimer: This was written late at night while my thoughts were running rapid and I just started typing what was on my mind and heart. It is probably very unorganized and messy but it was what was given.

Change. It's scary when you're so used to things being one way. As scary as it is sometimes it's well needed. Sometimes we need a fresh start and change in lifestyle.

I would run and then come back to God, run and fall again, then return. The cycle was endless and tiring. I wanted that to change. I wanted a closer relationship with Him but I realized I first had to change some things including my lifestyle.

If we claim that we experience a shared life with him and continue to stumble around in the dark, we're obviously lying through our teeth— we're not living what we claim. But if we walk in the light, God himself being the light, we also experience a shared life with one another, as the sacrificed blood of Jesus, God's Son, purges all our sin. ( 1 John 1:6-7 MSG)

I knew where I was at was not where I needed to be, but I was comfortable. So I ignored God and stayed in this strong sea of negativity. I was not equipped to swim in these crashing waves... so I drowned for the 1938828 time. I was struck again with depression and the ongoing fight of eating disorder. I was officially tired. Tired of drowning and running, tired of being double-minded. After studying I realized I was ready for my change.

I think of Mark 1: 15-20. When Jesus is strolling through town and as He is walking he tells John, James, Andrew and Simon to follow Him. They immediately followed Him, dropping everything and went after Him. They had no idea what to expect next or anything but they trust who He was. I didn't jump up and follow Jesus in this situation, I sat and tried to negotiate. Well maybe if... Or I could do this thing different but still do this... It doesn't work like that. Now I wish I had, but I'm glad I didn't at the same time because He opened my eyes to so many things and learned so many lessons that bettered me. I grew to learn to trust Him and trust he'd hold my wherever I may go.

Another thing, I knew how badly I wanted to get rid of my issues and grow closer to Him. I always refer back to 1 John 1:6-7.  You have to also really want your change. No matter how uncomfortable and scary it maybe, if He calls for it and you know it's for your better, take action. Change your circle, surroundings, and importantly your thinking. It all starts in the mind. Don't linger, take action.

The point my wandering thinking is trying to make is sometimes Jesus calls us out of our comfort zone. Just go. Take the risk and trust Him. Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be frightened and do not be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go. (Joshua 1:9) It's for your good. He is trying to make you a better, stronger, wiser person. Or He is trying to get to you. He wants to know you as much as you want to know Him, yet sometimes we are so blinded and distracted that He has to make a few changes in our life. We have to make a  change and turn from the wickedness to see Him in full glory.

I also encourage you to find a support system. That was one thing I lacked of in an aspect. You can't walk with God alone. It's not an easy walk, so I encourage you to find a group that fully supports you and encourages you in your faith. "One who is righteous is a guide to his neighbor, but the way of the wicked leads them astray. (Proverbs 12:26).

Remember he does all things for a reason. 

– Enfiniti J.

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